08.02.18 // Running From Nothing
Breath in, breath out, that was all.
You could hear the leaves on the trees rustle as we all stood there in complete silence with our palms facing forward, chest broad, head high. And no, this wasn’t some weird cult gathering, this was yoga. Standing in mountain pose at the top of our mats, we overlooked the water in front of the boathouse/studio and simply, breathed.
I realized then, that that was the hardest part of the entire class. It wasn’t the crunches we started off with, the twists we did in chair pose, the headstand I tried, or the deep lunging warrior poses - it was standing completely still. Suddenly, I had nothing to distract me.
I was left alone with myself. With all my thoughts; the good and the bad. And, because life likes to keep you on your feet, my thoughts are more often than not the critical kind. What could I be doing better, faster, stronger? Why wasn’t I as good as the person next to me, why are you relaxing? You’re wasting time.
Doing nothing is exhausting to me because in those moments all my negative thoughts have the chance to run to the front of my mind (and yell and scream that they’re there). When I’m running, walking, blasting music, or working, they don’t have time to creep in. So I exhaust myself with needless task after task because I’m afraid that that one thought will come up - you’re not enough.
Standing, breathing, doing absolutely nothing, and being able to say, I fully accept where I am right now and that IS enough; not only allows you to spend less time worrying about what you could be doing, but it lets you be human. It lets you do the things you actually want to do, not just spend your whole day running mindlessly from thing to thing because you feel like you need to.
I’ve burned out before, a couple times actually. I still do and probably still will. But it’s times where I’m doing absolutely nothing, just breathing, that I’m reminded that right now - I’m safe. I’m okay. And I’m exactly where I need to be.
And so are you.