09.26.17 // One Day It Won't Be Like This
One day it won’t be like this.
The day won’t be me waking up and instantly fearing what I haven’t done. It won’t be me feeling like I am responsible for everyone and everything. It won’t be me getting up and following a specific meal plan, no.
One day I won’t have to worry about when my next therapist appointment is. I won’t have to worry about going out with friends all afternoon because I don’t know how I’m going to fit in my snack, or if there is something I can even “handle” eating.
One day I won’t be in perpetuation. Perpetual anxiety and guilt won’t rule my life. My day won’t be spent about thinking about how to control my intake, my thoughts won’t be dominated by my next or last meal, or about that roll on my stomach.
I won’t have to think about those things because one day I know I won’t be controlled by the thing I once thought gave me the reins. Now being in the best state I have ever been is still getting shadowed by the needs of recovery. There are things that I need to do every day to make sure that I stay like this; doctor's appointments, meal plans, therapy appointments rule a lot of my day, yes, but one day, it won’t be like that.
Because all these singular days where have wins mean I am closer to that one day where I have fully won. I’ll have won because I am in those days now, I’ve been in the valleys and one day I’ll get out of them. I know I’ll get there because there is no chance I will stop working on what I need to do because if I do stop I’ll only go backwards. So yes, today it may suck that I always have to deal with my intrusive thoughts, that I am still on a meal plan after years of recovery, that I know which arm is better at giving blood tests, that I know the nurses in the office at the clinic know me by name, that I’ve had to give up semesters of school and even more time spent away from the people I love because of this illness. Yes. It sucks. But it would be a million times worse to stop fighting and live like I was living before. Because those days were the ones that I wasn’t sure if I was going to have more.
Though now, I am sure, one day it won’t be like this.
It won’t be like this because we are talking about it. We are no longer isolated by the stigma that once surrounded us. We don’t have to live in a world where it’s weird to have a therapy appointment, where a mental sick day is less legitimate than a physical sick day. I refuse to give up this fight for the sake of fabricated normalcy. We are all imperfect, we all have flaws. I fight this fight every day alongside millions of other amazing people who all deserve better yet only a few realize they do. I am in recovery, it sucks and it’s hard but it is worth the end result.
Because one day I’ll wake up and it’s not like that anymore.
You will be able to say that too.
One day, it won’t be like this.
Keep fighting, so much love,