12.11.17 // you're strong, tell yourself you are
I’d like to think I’m strong, I think we all would.
at some level, though
it can be comforting to be weak;
because that means you’ll need someone to take care of you, someone to love you, or at least pity you, and in that case, you’ll still have someone.
But what happens when that someone becomes no one; seems better to be able to stay strong then, become independent.
Walls go up and bricks stack and you don’t need anyone anymore.
You avoid rejection.
You can’t get in either, see the walls you built are cemented so tightly that you’ve blocked out any kind of love, external and self just in case it’s not returned, because you’ve been taught, by who knows, that you can’t trust your brain, you can’t trust that it will actually come back because you’re not good enough to call home.
So you can’t even believe your own love and you’ve gotten to the point where you don’t really believe others, how would you be able to with the bricks reaching that high.
So just one more question,
What the fuck brain.
Really, this is going to sound like a second class soap opera but it’s time to believe in the love around you. That constant need for internal validation has sent me so outside myself I don’t even know where to return to begin to find that self-love.
So I guess I can start with this.
You are safe.
You are good.
I appreciate what I have, what I don’t and know that you don’t have to define yourself based on who says what.
There is no reason to doubt that you are any less loveable or worthy because of the things that you have gone through. Your struggle doesn’t define you and it is certainly not the only reason people pay attention to you.
Let it go, move on, you don’t need to define yourself, and confine yourself by these walls.
They were built of fear and they can be destroyed with strength, you don’t even need to go anywhere to get it, you have it already.
The hardest part here?
Believing this all to be true. External validation can come and go and even if you hear a million times that you are good enough it will never be enough until you hear it. So scream it, whisper, shout, chant, do what you need to do to convince yourself that you don’t need to block out love,
Not from others,
And especially not from yourself.
I’d like to think I’m strong,
Strong enough to tell myself all this and believe it.
And i’ll get there,
I think we all like to believe we would.
- Kate xx