10.30.17 // don't think is for you (healing)

There’s a sense of urgency when it comes to seeing you. Like something has to happen now or else that moment will be gone forever. I don’t know if you’ll stay but I know I want you too. The anxiety comes when I imagine what you’re thinking, that’s where, at its heart, doubt lies. All my fears manifest in every move you make combined with the sporadic tendencies of my brain. One move and I’ve switched from total confidence to complete self-doubt. I don’t like having all my actions controlled by my predicted perception of your reaction, but here we are.

And at the same time, I don’t mind it.

If you’re the fear that’s occupying my brain that’s better than the fear that was there before, and maybe that’s why I like it.

You’re better than what was there before.

I just don’t know if that can be enough. So when you finally make up your mind and decide to stay, that’s when I’ll run. Because that fear will come right back.

I don’t want you to only be my distraction, yet here we are. I’ll twirl my hair and bat my eyes, you’ll laugh, and there it is. Past the height of cliches and under the surface level conversations there’s something I don’t want to find, and I guess that’s me and what I’m left to think when all the distractions go away.

So don’t go away.

And, I don’t mind if you do. Cause then I’ll see you later someday after all the other fears are gone,

we’ll flirt and smile, and maybe 

this time you’ll stay, and I’ll let you.



Personal BlogKate Farrell